There is no shame in admitting that I picked this book when I was feeling a bit anxious. And, that is exactly what Barry McDonagh is trying to teach you too. It is absolutely okay to not feel okay. You are not a weak person for being anxious. The book doesn’t put a full stop to your anxiety. Rather it teaches you how to react the next time you are anxious and how to be comfortable with your anxieties. For all the times, when you have not been able to feel yourself, not been free-er in your mind, you owe it to yourself to take on the DARE response.
And if you are reading this, you are definitely ready! 🙂
So what exactly is Anxiety?
Anxiety is just the nervous energy in your body. Like the waves of the ocean, it rises and falls. It becomes a problem when you respond to it in the wrong way. It comes out of nowhere and escalates really fast! If you resist the nervous arousal, it creates fear and further escalates the problem. But if you learn to move with it, you learn to become comfortable in the anxious discomfort.
The DARE Response
This can be applied to all forms of anxiety, be it general anxiety, panic attacks, OCD or societal anxiety. You don’t have to learn how to get rid of your anxiety, all you need to do is learn how to get over the fear of it. It is just a wave of nervous energy and it is your interpretation of this energy that causes the problem. So, here are the four simple steps in order to deal with it :
Step #1 : DEFUSE
The first step is to learn what your immediate response to your anxious thoughts should be like. Let’s say, you are currently dealing with a thought that goes like “What if I don’t get the job and I have to stay jobless?” Replace the “What if” with “So what!”
“So what if I don’t get this job? I’ll get another one. I will obviously make it to a good job!”
All the anxious thoughts that we get are pretty harmless and the difference comes from the way we react to it. You have to show a dismissive attitude to your thoughts, that will have a positive effect. Defusing all the anxious thoughts with a so what/whatever attitude is the first step. That would disarm the buildup of the nervous tension.
Step #2 : ALLOW
You will always be stuck in a state of fear if you maintain your distance from the thoughts. Let the thoughts come to you, don’t try to block or fight them. Don’t resist the thoughts, try to flow with them. When anxiety hits you, your initial response to the thoughts should be to defuse them with a “whatever” attitude. It’s the fear of the anxious thoughts that creates a problem. When you decide to no longer participate in this, you become free.
Let’s say, you are agoraphobic. For those of you who are not familiar with the term, it means having an extreme fear of open of crowded places. So, the next time you are at a party, and start to get anxious about it, say this to yourself “I accept and allow these anxious feelings. I accept and allow these anxious thoughts.” You are allowing the nervous energy to be with you while you are at the party and that will make you comfortable with your anxious discomfort.
Step #3 : RUN TOWARD
The first two steps will definitely take you in the direction of healing your anxiety. But if you feel threatened by your anxious thoughts, you should run towards them. So on days, when you are not feeling anxious at all, try to invite some anxious thoughts. Believe that you are excited for these thoughts. It may sound silly, but embrace the thoughts. In that way, you will be ready to deal with anxiety on good and bad days.
If you have the fear of flights and you feel the nervous arousal kick at some point during your flight, respond with : “I was expecting you to show up.”
You aren’t trying to escape the panic attack. When you show that you are ready for the all the anxious sensations, you end up not being afraid of it at all. You should know that all the bodily sensations that come with anxiety would never harm you. The fear of anxiety is what harms and not the actual anxiety. So, when you learn to invite these sensations even on days when you aren’t feeling anxious, you feel more empowered and confident.
Step #4 : ENGAGE
Engaging here, has two meanings.
First, after you have applied the first three steps, your mind will try to find ways for you to go into that state of worry and fear every now and then. It will try to get you back into the anxiety loop again. So, the most important thing for you to do is not to sit idle. If you are idle, your mind will try to check into it all the time. It’s the anxious mind scanning for danger. Engage yourself in a pleasurable activity that will occupy your mind, like listening to music or reading a book.
The second meaning is that, you need to engage with the activity that makes you anxious. So, if you have fear of driving or travelling in flights, try to proactively take it up as many times as possible. Relax into it. Slowly, but surely you’ll get more comfortable with the activity.
While you are engaging, the anxious thoughts will come to you. But don’t worry about it. You now know the drill. Just gently put your attention back to the thing that you were doing. I assure you it will be alright 🙂
The book helps you understand the causes of anxiety and the different bodily sensations associated with it. Some of these sensations are : a pounding heart, sweating palms, palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, queasy stomach. Through various situational examples, the author explains how to apply the DARE response in various real-life scenarios. Some situations that the author has covered are : Insomnia, Fear of flying, public speaking, enclosed spaces.
You are the cure!
There were parts of the approach that I was afraid to indulge in. Like, to invite thoughts when you are not anxious. But, honestly it does work. There are few things that I have been stressing over since the last couple of months and I did it to the point that it made me highly anxious. Sometimes we are afraid to let go of these thoughts. We start to believe that if we don’t think about them enough, it probably means that we don’t care for it as much as we thought we did. But, that is not the case. There is power in being in flow and peace in knowing that you will get over this. Let it come to you, happen to you and go away. You will get the ultimate thing that we all strive for – personal freedom.
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